Why the Pope shouldn't get the pope rocket.

On its 60th anniversary Ferrari, The Ferrari, gave pope, the POPE, a shinning new Scarlet Ferrari Enzo. In case you missed it, A FERRARI ENZO! TO THE POPE! THE OLD-MAN-IN-CHRISTIANITY POPE. Imagine THE POPE driving a 650 bhp Enzo Ferrari around a city which does not have even a straight road of 650 mtrs. What was Luca ji thinking? No, exactly what was he thinking? Was he even thinking? Maybe he was, about legalizing lobotomy or maybe about the price he needs to pay to the lord for banishing Michael out of the Scuderia. Anyways I think I have reasons to oppose the Ferrarification of the pontiff. Instead, I suggest, I should have been given the scarlet missile. Here are the reasons to support my Ferrarihood.


1. The most quoted comment after someone drives a Ferrari is “It is like the first time you have sex.” Now I think you know that the Pope cannot use the S word. And if he cannot say this line, I am afraid Ferrari is hurtling towards a P.R disaster at the speed even the carbon ceramic brakes will term insane. I know you all might be saying, with a chuckle, that due lack of a social life, even I cannot make a comment like that, but I can at least have sex at some later stage and then I can just say “The firs time you have sex Is a lot like the first time you drive a Ferrari, though not as good.” I don’t think many will notice the difference.

2. The Pope, because he is the Pope, has a lot of stuff that can be termed as flashy, gold sequined dresses, a million pound house, his own personal army – Pansies if you ask me, the fisherman’s ring and a million other things that might or might not be as flashy as the Enzo, but certainly flashy. Now imagine the Enzo being there in the courtyard of the Vatican, it will look cool no doubt, but the truth is it will be one of the flashy things in the courtyard. And for Ferrari that’s a sacrilege. With me the Enzo will be the coolest thing I have, my entire family tree had or my next generations is going to have. Just to be sure that my next generation cannot have anything as flashy, I will use a condom. Everytime.

3. Till now most of the popes have been old wise men who, at their age, should be reigning in the hordes of Christians running amok, or at least one (Don’t rush to CNN, Osama hasn’t converted, I was talking about Bush), rather than spending time trying to reign in all the torque running amok. And the good thing going for the pope is that the Christians might listen to him, but I don’t think the Magneti Marelli in the Enzo is much of a believer.

4. If you’re a devout catholic or just a celebrity autograph hunter, I want to ask you something, have you seen the pope? I mean in person? Now chances are you haven’t. Even though the pope drives to his favourite burger joint in the pope mobile, blessing people while waiting in the drive-thru for extra-crisp, extra-mayonnaise blessed-burger, but still you haven’t seen him or taken his autograph. Please note, this is when the pope mobile goes at a paltry 0-60 in some hah hah seconds, imagine how hard it will be to see the pontiff when he goes in the pope rocket, which can do 0-96 in 3.14 secs in the hands of a good driver. In the hands of pope it can do the that speed in time ranging between 3.18 to 3.184 seconds.


5. The Italians have gifted an Italian car to a German pope. Nothing wrong with that, except that it will prompt Brabus, Alpina and Bugatti to deposit their road rockets at the Vatican. Certainly not for baptizing them. And if I got it correctly the pope’s job is to make sure the god’s voice is heard, and 6 litre V and W 12s are not exactly the kind of benevolent voices that people will be fooled into believing as god’s. Also if the Pope is going to test drive these cars and endorse them, where will it leave Hamster and the clowns? The fat lard that is Jeremy will have to work for a living, and we all know he is quite useless at everything else.

6. Sample this one-to-one, snooped at the NSA, between the god and the pope over a secured line (told you it was the NSA) : “Father, all my life I have stayed away from all the sinful temptations, including the entire dessert section of a Michelin 3 star restaurants, some by choice and some by force, all in the hope that when it’s time to be with my dear father I can be cleaner than a new recruits uniform, but now that the time has almost come, I hope it’s almost, you have, through Luca ji, parked the biggest temptation of my life right in the front courtyard. Why? Ok now that it’s there can I ride it around Monaco? Please. Can I? I promise I will do good time and Christianity’s Driver will not embarrass you? Please, can I? Hello, are you there? ...(click) He does this every time I ask something from him.” Clearly this conversation proves where unlimited funding and no vigilance can take a federal agency. It also proves that by giving an Enzo to the pope, we have almost destroyed the perfect relationship between a father and a son. My dad will not mind me having an Enzo if I can take care of the fuel bills myself, of course that can be worked between shell, Luca ji and the pope.

7. Now we all know that the pope is a cute old gentleman, as gentle as ze Germans can be, fairly popular and hung around a million walls around the world. Over the years the pope has been on the cover pages of reputable magazines like The Time, The Economist and the likes. Do you want him to be on the cover of blasphemous magazines like Autocar, Top Gear, FHM or god forbid Playboy?

8. The Pope does not need a swathe of girlfriends; even if he did he is contractually obliged to not have them. I, on the other hand, am totally free of such legalities.

9. The pontiff is not allowed, as per the contractual obligation, to roam around in racing overalls.

10. With the pope in the Enzo, even the nuns might be tempted, making Vatican a fun place to be in, thus shaking the bedrock of Christianity. All for one car? Think is it worth it?


Now the biggest reason, why I, Saurabh Yadav, should be handed the Enzo and not the pope.

The pope’s job profile includes making sure that the entire population of the earth bears, and fears the cross. Also, the pope and the whole of the Christian world believe in god. I do not. You get me an Enzo and I will start believing in god. It will make more economic sense as well, when you think of the fact that the wars Christianity has fought over the years to make everyone believe in the true lord and his peace message. So for just an Enzo, I will believe he walked on water. Heck for an Enzo I will even believe Darwin was a fool.